Horrible Histories - Series 3, Episode 9
Season Three, Episode Nine
Air date 28 June 2011
Written by Dave Cohen, Gerard Foster, Giles Pilbrow, Steve Punt, Laurence Rickard, Colin Swash, & Ben Ward
Episode guide
Episode 8
Episode 10

Horrible Histories - Series 3, Episode 9 was the 35th episode of Horrible Histories, having first aired on the 28th of June, 2011, on the CBBC.

This episode includes the Vikings launching their advert for We Sell Any Monk, Queen Elizabeth I surprising her court with some very odd laws, the sacrifice-obsessed Aztec priests singing their gruesome disco song, & discover the Roman equivalent of text messaging.

Sketches Edit

Vicious Vikings Edit

Monk convinces Viking attackers to spare his life Edit

A literate monk convinces marauding raiders to spare him so he can record their oppression for all time.


We Sell Any Monk Edit

Other monastic captives are on sale at the ‘new market town of Dublin’ in “We Sell Any Monk”.

Vile Victorians Edit

Historical Pet Shop Edit

2nd Baron Rothschild Edit

The animal-loving 2nd Baron Rothschild makes his third appearance in as many series.

Victorian Traffic Report Edit

The traffic report.

Terrible Tudors Edit

Tudor currency Edit

A foreign traveler has difficulty grasping pre-decimal British coinage.

Tudor Clothing Laws Edit

A nobleman inadvertently runs afoul of Elizabeth I’s peculiar clothing laws.

Angry Aztecs Edit

Aztec Gardeners World Edit

“Aztec Gardeners’ World” discusses fertilizing fields with human blood.

Aztec Whodunnit-o Edit

Enjoy hours of family fun with Aztec Whodunnit-o (parody of Cluedo).

Song Edit

Main article: Ain't Staying Alive

You won’t be if you meet these guys!

Frightful First World War Edit

WWI general inspects the troops Edit

A general arrives to inspect the troops & discovers just how hard up both sides are for new recruits.

Quiz Question Edit

The average British soldier in World War I had 20 lice on their body but what was the record?

A: 428
B: 1428
C: 10428

Video Game Edit

Splat That Rat! Edit

Rotten Romans Edit

Tabellarii Messenger Edit

Tabellarii messenger service, the classical equivalent of text messaging.

Smuggling in Rome Edit

A nervous smuggler runs into an unexpected obstacle in trying to run weapons past the gates of Rome.

Measly Middle Ages Edit

Historical Come Dine with Me Edit

Medieval Come Dine With Me Edit

When dying of the plague was the ultimate social faux pas.

Cast Edit

Vicious Vikings Vile Victorians Terrible Tudors Angry Aztecs Frightful First World War Rotten Romans Measly Middle Ages
Monk convinces Viking attackers to spare his life We Sell Any Monk Historical Pet Shop Victorian Traffic Report Tudor currency Tudor Clothing Laws Aztec Gardeners' World Aztec Whodunnit-o Song WWI general inspects the troops Video Game Tabellari Messenger Smuggling into Rome Medieval Come Dine with Me
Mathew Baynton x x x x x
Simon Farnaby x x
Martha Howe-Douglas x x x x
Jim Howick x x x x x x x
Laurence Rickard x x x x x x
Ben Willbond x x x x x
Susie Donkin
Lawry Lewin
Alice Lowe x x x
Dominique Moore
Rhashan Stone
Giles Terera
Katy Wix
David Baddiel
Terry Deary
Tanni Grey-Thompson
Rattus Rattus (voiced by John Eccleston) x
Jon Culshaw
Jess Robinson
Dave Lamb


External LinksEdit